Ironic.

How ironic;
It is when I seem to give people superbly, great advice;

But I can't seem to make it of any use to my own heart.

How ironic;
That I'm going around, lapping up after other people's problems;

Trying to fix what I can't stand to bear witness to;

Knowing that they probably won't do the same for me.

How selfish;

That I'm giving myself a small flicker of false hope.

To think that something might actually happen;
With no solid proof of anything.

How selfish;

To know that there are people who do care for me;
But thinking that they don't really understand.

And the shittiest part?







Is that this is something I have to solve on my own.

It just hurts to think anymore.

Belief

Recent events has led me to conclude that

I, for one, am not lucky enough to be blessed with the best of looks.

Not the best of hair, not the best of smiles, not the best of shape either. (haha)

But.

They've also made me come to believe

that the heart

is all that matters.

:)

What Could Be Worse

Than to bid your goodbyes, knowing it'll never be the same again?

Sure, you're not dead, you'll be around.

Of course we'll stay in touch!
We'll promise to meet up again, won't we?

We were supposed to end this journey we started, together.

I thought one blow was bad enough, but it had to be two.

This is why I should have, and I should'n't have.
I knew closeness and happiness,
Would only bring that much more hurt when we open our mouths to say it.

I only hate it because I know that once someone's touched my heart, they'll burn an ugly scar that will keep a part of you with me forever.

Always.

Even when you've walked out of my life.

I hate that word.

Why is everybody leaving me?

I Don't Know.

I went to church.

Asking for directions. Begging for a sign.

To say hey yo, this is your path!

I did. I freakin' decided.

I decided, stomped my foot right smack down on it.

Was SURE of it...

Then hey. Church.

I so happen to ask about it, that it was okay, that I really, really REALLY know what I'm doing and suddenly feel... Unsettled.

I'm panicked.

I'm shaken.

I'm scared.

Hey. Are you trying to tell me something?

Is this... Right?

Someone.

Help me.

Simpleton.

I am but a simpleton.

A simple, average human being, searching it's path in this wayward life.

Searching for answers, making decisions.

Decisions that will suffocate me with a blanket of calm and (well, at least) what I think is right.

Decisions that will let the ones I hold close to my heart slip right through my fingers.

I am a simpleton, just like any other person.

God, I hope I'm doing this right.

My Sweet Second Valentine's

Yet again as those good, tradition abiding single ladies out there go forth to throw their contact etched oranges into their water-containment-source-of-choice (be it river, lake, drain or perhaps the unfortunate home aquarium) in their hope and search of love this Chap Goh Mei, I walk down to the nearby mamak; capturing only the uncomforting stare of the wide-eyed moon.

Alone.

Okay, the title was a lie and I'm not complaining la, considering the fact that my love life has been idle for... All my life, pretty much. This second Valentine's has just led my thoughts to wander.

So the first time round, the idea was to spend the day with the dearest single college buddies with sob-worthy, mushy movies and wrap it all up with a pillow talk session. Which then evolved and resulted into a date with Weiler: a FOREVER ALONE polaroid to commemorate the day as well as spoiling ourselves with delectable deserts from Honeymoon. Oh well. What's life without it's twists and turns, eh? ;D

Anyway, that's beside the point.

What I query about is what Valentine's really is all about.

Sure, the celebration is simple enough.

For the couples; dates, hearts, chocolates and an extremely well-planned, romance oozing date to make the day perfect.

For the singular; depression, jealousy, Forever Alone whinings about Single Awareness Day or the 'I-don't-give-two-shits-so-I'll-insertnormaldayactivitiehere'.

Flowers all around, pink, red, white.

Flirting, infatuation, jealousy, depression.

But.

Has everyone forgot?

About how the main theme of this story is love?

Love not only for those with their special someone, but for themselves, family, friends, strangers... Humanity? Nature? LIFE?

Why only find a certain day that we should express our love by organizing extraordinary, bombastic expressions of love when we can do it anytime?

Not that I'm saying that's wrong, oh no, I'd be extremely touched for all the time and effort into the careful planning. It's just that maybe, just maybe, sometimes people tend to forget them littler things that could be done every day.

Hugs and kisses, words of affirmation. Appreciation.

So. My final conclusion?

OKAY LAH, OKAY LAH, I'm just trying to comfort myself because I don't want to end with my 27 cats only, okay? I really don't. LOL.

So all you single people out there, may your imaginary oranges remind you that love isn't only for that special someone okay... You're not alone, you're just not attached... Yet :D

Happy Chap Goh Mei, Second Valentine's Day and Last Day of Chinese New Year everybody :)

Resolutions, Desolutions

Hot damn, it's already into a month of the new year.

Why does time have to run by so fast HURGHHH.

And so with every new year comes the ever so cliche resolutions that wetrysohardtokeepbutfindexcusestosortakindaforgetitpssh but ANYWAY... What the heck. It's 2011, so I'mma do 11 resolutions for meself.

I will;

1. Get my timing straight.

Accordingly, my sense of time is totally whack. I'm sometimes (okay, admittedly mostly) late for anything but classes and meetings (in which pisses everyone off ESPECIALLY when it involves food huh, Weiler and Athirahah? lol...), my own bodily clock is gonna be ticking time-bomb if I don't get my sleeping hours fixed from not sticking to my next resolution...

Pretty much, I have to stop leaving things to the last minute.

WHICH LEADS TO...

2. Procrastination? NASTY.

I will do assignments EARLY. I will and MUST do it even if I have to FORCE myself to get myself into the mood of doing anything. BE at places half an hour early and NOT be afraid of being alone, even if that's what I hate the most. Hell, it's only for awhile anyway.

NO MORE MALAYSIAN TIME FOR ME.

3. Work hard, play hard.

To put my heart and soul into every aspect of my life: church, family, college, friends.

To not be afraid to sing and strum that guitar loud and proud during practice and during sessions.

To stop being petty, immature and just being plain horrible to my family, especially my brother.

To put not overlook any assignment as just an assignment but an opportunity to shine. To put thoughtful insights into every one of them and to look at the bigger picture, to look out of the box.

To keep in touch with the old and to gain the new, fearless.

4. Practice, practice, practice.

Art, guitar, singing; do gesture drawings everyday, doing little personal art farts everyday, practice the guitar at least 10 minutes a day, sing all those right notes, running those few rounds, actually being NEAT. Basically, just be a hella lot more hardworking at everything.

5. Write.

For an English nazi, it is essential to brush up and polish clean those skills. ;D

Therefore, planners, dream journals, budget books, and of course writing here more often, are to be my crucial mediums in this section.

Also with that, comes the sourcing, and thus, comes reading at least a page a day and going through a multitude of books. Not that THAT's gonna be a burden :)

6. Learn.

I've come to realize I'm afraid to make those mistakes. Afraid to mess up and make a fool of myself in front of others, even if I am still learning.

So in learning, I'm going to learn not to be afraid to take that fall, maybe break a leg or two and just have that courage.

7. Love.

This is going to be an especially long, tough personal journey for myself.

Most of my friends know that I've never been happy with my physicality.

I'm chubby and my face isn't what you would call pretty.

This time, I'm going to try to love myself.

It's not about finding excuses not to lose weight or bad hair days.

It's just to accept that my little differences and flabby loose bits are part of me and that confidence makes one attractive.

And hey, if I'm lucky enough, maybe find someone else who might just like that part of me too haha :D

8. Stop judgementalism.

I'll be honest, my perception of a person can be severely swayed when someone else blabbers their own personal opinion of them unto me. I make assumptions without hearing two sides of the story, and then spew out a mile-long list of supposed solutions that goes on and on and on and... Basically never reaches its end.

So. Actions speak louder than words, and I will see theirs for myself.

9. Stop thinking too much.

Not that it's not good, but too much of a good thing can be bad for you, right? Assumptions turn into big, long-winded stories, those stories then intertwine with your wildest imagination and then you realise it was just a figment of your imagination and you snap outta it. Cue Stress.

Therefore: avoid overly wild imagination to avoid stress.

(This only applies to real-life situations. If the aforementioned happens to my creativity then I shall consider myself a slab of dead meat of roadkill.)

10. Never say "I'm bored."

(Refer to resolution 4)

11. Just be happy :)

This year started so magically, it just seems like... Oh pah, need I say more?

So thereeee ya go. 11 things that I plan to keep not because I have to... But because I want to. And I really do want to see a better person in me.

SO CHEESY. HAWHAW.

(I hope I develop a sense of humour too.)

CHOW PEOPLE!

HERE'S TO KEEPING THIS BLOG ALIVE AGAIN 8D